How to Deal with the Mean One Percent of Parents

By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

November 30, 2014

Do you have any mean parents? If not, you can skip this article. If so, read on.

Ninety-nine percent of our parents are wonderful. They are supportive. When they have a concern, they know how to speak the truth in love. They assume the best and seek understanding, reconciliation, and unity for all concerned. They do not sugar-coat problems — nor should they — but neither are they sour. They can address unpleasant issues without leaving a bitter aftertaste.

One percent are mean. By mean, I mean that they write mean-spirited, unfair, accusatory emails to teachers and other staff. They are never satisfied. They jump to conclusions without all of the facts and assume the worst. They behave as though the world — and the school — revolves around them and their children. They require a disproportionate amount of teacher and staff time, robbing attention from other students and parents. They drain the joy from teaching and ministry.

Tips for Dealing with the Mean One Percent

Everyone deals with mean people. The customer service agent, the elected representative, the gate attendant, and the cashier all encounter the mean one percent. Christian teachers and staff are not exempt from working in a fallen world with fallen and sometimes mean people.

Unbelievers do not act like Christians. Many Christians do not either.

Each of us, at one time or another, has been mean, impatient, unfair, and quick to assume the worst about someone. Before we condemn the actions of others, we must first examine ourselves. Doing so will make us more patient and understanding.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3–5).

No matter how we are treated, remember Jesus’s words: “Do to others as you want them to do to you.” How do you want to be treated when you have failed someone? Treat others accordingly.

There is never an excuse to be disrespectful toward others.

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust (Matthew 5:44–45).

Develop what I call alligator skin. Life is not about us, so there is no point in taking obnoxious behavior personally. Address the person and the situation properly, then move on. Do not hold a grudge or permit a root of bitterness to take hold.

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled (Hebrews 12:14–15).

How many times has God forgiven you and me?

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21–22).

Maintain the moral high ground. Respond objectively and factually, never emotionally. The mean one percent can and will use anything you say or do against you. Do not hand them ammunition.

Respond — do not react. Take time to pray, collect yourself, and consider your response carefully. Have a neutral party review your email before you send it. I often remove the recipient’s name before asking someone to review my draft, so that I receive objective feedback rather than a filtered reaction.

Their sins do not give us license to sin. Gossip is always wrong.

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either (Luke 6:27–29).

For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish — that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder (2 Corinthians 12:20).

There are times when you must confront the mean one percent and protect your staff. While we should be willing to endure personal insults, as leaders we have a twofold obligation.

The first is to confront sin by following Jesus’s instructions in Matthew 18. When people are sinning against you or others, it must be addressed biblically — and not in the flesh.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19–20).

The second is to protect those under our authority and stewardship. Just as we protect our students from bullies, we must protect our staff from parent bullies.

One of my principals recently received a mean-spirited, factually incorrect, and obnoxious email that implied legal action. After receiving a copy, I decided to respond to the parent directly — to protect the principal and to set the tone for the remainder of the year. I was conciliatory and helpful, but clear that I was drawing a line.

That parent came to the school and personally apologized to all affected staff. It does not always end this way. Sometimes parents continue to be mean. But I have found that responding appropriately more often than not results in reconciliation, or at least a truce.

There are times, however, when you may need to dismiss a parent from the school community. When a parent becomes so consistently mean and disruptive that it constitutes a cultural cancer — negatively affecting the ability of teachers and staff to serve others — that parent may need to be told that he or she is no longer a good fit for the school. I have had to do this only a few times in twenty years, but I have done it.

The vast majority of our parents are supportive and strive to do what is right. Many overlook our mistakes and never complain. When they do bring a concern to our attention, they are fair and reasonable.

Do not let the mean one percent make you mean. Respond biblically and professionally. Remain above the emotional turmoil. Do what is right. Leave the rest to God and his providence. As the preacher and theologian John Knox wrote:

Abide patiently, and give no place to the temptations of the adversary. Let him shoot his darts in his despite; but say you in your heart, The Lord is my defender, and therefore shall I not be confounded: dolour (physical and mental pain or distress), shall be but for a moment, but ever and ever shall we reign with Jesus our Lord; whose Holy Spirit be your comfort to the end. Your brother, John Knox, From Newcastle, 1553.