How to Turn a Difficult Meeting into a Positive Experience

By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

February 01, 2014

As school leaders, we have all been there. We receive an email something like this:

“Dear Dr. Mosbacker, I would like to request a meeting this Tuesday. This meeting is regarding a series of concerning events that have happened with ‘name.’ I am now asking for your involvement because I believe ‘name’s’ actions have created harm by … I will be sending details to you prior to this meeting for you to review … I would like to meet before sending a letter to the school board ….”

Receiving emails of this sort is never pleasant. The prospect of meeting with a disgruntled and sometimes angry parent is stressful.

The good news is that such meetings can be a positive experience — if handled well. Over the years I have found the following practices to result in positive outcomes more often than not.

Pre-Meeting Planning

You set the stage for a successful meeting beginning with your response to an email like the one above and by planning carefully how the meeting will be conducted.

• Pray for wisdom. It sometimes takes the wisdom of Solomon to make good decisions and formulate wise responses.

• Do not respond immediately. Take time — several hours to a day, but not longer than 24 hours — to respond carefully and without emotion.

• Do not judge the message by the messenger. Sometimes the parent who is upset is unkind — sometimes plainly mean — in how the message is delivered in the heat of the moment. Nevertheless, notwithstanding inappropriate comments and accusations, there may be important truth in what is being said. Read past the emotion and try to discern where the truth lies.

• Have someone neutral read your response before you send it. I often ask my assistant for her candid reaction to my draft. She offers helpful suggestions for rewording the response to ensure that it is warm and friendly.

• While being sensitive to the request, reinforce the Matthew 18 principle by encouraging the parent to address the concern directly with the person of concern, if he or she has not already done so. Be careful. There is a fine balance between encouraging a biblical protocol and coming across as putting the parent off or trying to avoid the situation. You can strongly encourage following Matthew 18, but you may not be able to enforce it without doing more harm than good. The following is an example of a response to a concern and request for a meeting:

  "Good evening … Thank you for the information you provided about … We certainly want to ensure that ….

  I am happy to meet with you, but I believe the best first step is for you to meet with … and …. It is important that they hear directly from you regarding … Additionally, they will be able to provide you with detailed information on … Once they hear from you and have time to assess the situation, they will be in a good position to provide me with the important details, background information, and their recommendations so that I might be most helpful in addressing your concerns.

  I am copying them on this email so that they will have the information you provided and will expect you to contact them to schedule a meeting. Will that work for you?

  Thank you again for sharing your concerns. We are always looking for ways to improve our service to students and parents.

  I look forward to following up with you after you have met with ….."

• Set the meeting date a few days from receipt of the request. Time has a way of cooling hot emotions. It will also give you time to conduct background research in preparation for the meeting — a courtesy to the parents, who will benefit from your being better prepared, and who will themselves be less emotional.

• Determine who should join you in the meeting. Depending on the nature of the issue, the history with the parent, and the volatility of the situation, it may be unwise to meet with the parent alone.

• Prior to the meeting, brief your staff on how to conduct themselves. If the meeting concerns a staff member and I decide to include that staff member, I usually advise him or her that less is more. It is best to listen and learn rather than to explain and defend. They are to be quick to hear and slow to speak, and to turn the other cheek as often as necessary. Explaining and defending can come later if warranted.

During the Meeting

Many things contribute to a good outcome: how seating is arranged, how the meeting is opened, how it is facilitated, and how it is closed. The following practices increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.

• To the extent your office and furniture allow, arrange chairs in a circle to encourage openness and dialogue. Depending on the circumstances, you may need to remain at your desk while others face you in a semi-circle. There is a balance between encouraging an open, friendly atmosphere and maintaining respectful professional space.
• If both parents are in attendance, seat them together. Likewise, seat staff together. This way all involved have a support person beside them. Seating an upset parent next to a defensive employee is uncomfortable for both.
• Opening the meeting:
  • Open with prayer — not perfunctory prayer, but earnest prayer asking for God’s wisdom and grace.
  • Thank the parent for taking the time to share his or her concerns, and state what you understand those concerns to be.
  • Emphasize that the purpose of the meeting is to allow the parents to share their concerns and for the staff to listen and learn, so that a wise and helpful response can be given.
• Open the floor to the parents.

Facilitating the Meeting

• Speak sparingly and listen carefully. As Stephen Covey has written, “seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Repeat back to the parent what you believe is being communicated — for example, “Mrs. Smith, you are saying that …, is my understanding accurate?” or “Mrs. Smith, you are feeling that …, is that right?” This has several advantages: you cannot repeat back unless you have been listening, so it keeps you focused; it demonstrates genuine empathy and respect; and it helps clarify important information. Repeating back does not mean agreement — it means understanding, or a desire to understand. Do the same with comments from your staff.
• Be careful, but appropriate and well-timed humor can help diffuse a tense situation and put everyone more at ease. Misused or inappropriate humor can do more harm than good. Well-timed humor, on the other hand, can relax a tense situation and put it into perspective. “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23).
• Allow your staff to speak, but intervene for clarity and redirection as necessary. If you sense that an employee is overreacting, not listening, or becoming defensive, intervene. You might say, “Mr. Jones, I believe it will be helpful to let Mrs. Smith continue …” or “Mr. Jones, if I understand you correctly, you are saying that …” Although this may feel uncomfortable to the employee during the meeting, you are doing him or her a favor by preventing a tense situation from becoming worse.
• Take good notes. Parents appreciate the fact that you care enough to record what is being said. It also provides useful information and documentation for subsequent actions and meetings.

Closing the Meeting

• Thank the parents again for coming in — and mean it.
• Summarize what you understand to have been communicated. If corrected, note the correction.
• Do not render any decisions at this point. Assure the parents that you will take time to pray about what has been shared, to discuss the situation with the appropriate staff, and to consider the wisest course of action.
• Tell the parents that you will follow up with them once you have completed your review.
• Do as you say. Pray, consider, consult, decide, and follow up — deliberately, but not hastily. Follow up in a timely and thoughtful manner.
• Communicate with those who need to be aware of the situation, while protecting appropriate confidences. Does the board need a heads-up? Another staff member? A pastor? Your spouse is not among those with a need to know. Do not share confidential information with anyone other than those with a professional need to know.
• Make whatever difficult decisions are required. If you must correct the parents and disappoint them, do so with kindness, empathy, and respect. If a policy needs to be changed, change it. If an employee needs to be corrected, or worse, do what is right — and do it in the right way.
• Follow up with the parents as promised. Come full circle and bring the matter to closure.

After one such meeting, I received this response from the parents involved:

“Dr. Mosbacker, the careful way in which you conducted the meeting was very encouraging to both of us, and was a very significant step toward bringing reconciliation and healing in our family.”

That is not always the response, but more often than not, it is. The meeting was hard; the outcome was positive.