Preparing for Criticism and Critics

By Dr. Barrett Mosbacker

July 31, 2016

The new school year is upon us. Our schools will soon be teeming with students, staff, and parents.

The Honeymoon

We will enjoy the new school year honeymoon. Teachers will be refreshed, all of the students still have A’s, and no one has misbehaved. Everyone has just arrived from Lake Wobegon — “where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.” Happy days are here again.

It will not last. I am not being a pessimist. Reality will set in soon enough; not everyone is from Lake Wobegon. Inevitably criticism will come. Some of it will be deserved; much of it will not be. Expecting and preparing for criticism are the best ways to profit from it, reduce stress, and avoid discouragement. As James Clear observes:

It doesn’t matter how you choose to live your life — whether you build a business or work a corporate job; have children or choose not to have children; travel the world or live in the same town all of your life; go to the gym five times a week or sit on the couch every night — whatever you do, someone will judge you for it.

Christian school leaders should not be surprised that we face criticism. After all, we are dealing with people’s children, their money, and their religion — what could possibly go wrong?

Practical Advice for Preparing for and Responding to Criticism and Critics

This famous axiom was penned by Benjamin Franklin. When Franklin wrote it he was referring to fire prevention, which in his day was a constant threat.

In the first Place, as an Ounce of Prevention is worth a Pound of Cure, I would advise ’em to take care how they suffer living Coals in a full Shovel, to be carried out of one Room into another, or up or down Stairs, unless in a Warmingpan shut; for Scraps of Fire may fall into Chinks and make no Appearance until Midnight; when your Stairs being in Flames, you may be forced, (as I once was) to leap out of your Windows, and hazard your Necks to avoid being oven-roasted.

In other words, if you carry the hot coals carefully you are less likely to break your neck jumping out a second-floor window. The first place to start preparing for criticism is to carry our hot coals carefully — that is, to do all we can to prevent the fire of criticism from starting. This means ensuring that our schools are focused on delivering high-quality service to our parents, that our classrooms are staffed with caring, competent, and Christlike professional teachers, and that everyone is deeply committed to exemplary quality, attentive service, and proactive communication. A great deal of grief and stress will be avoided by everyone doing his or her job well. Satisfied parents have less reason to criticize.

I can receive five compliments and one criticism in a single day. Guess which one I remember and focus on? The one criticism.

The tendency to hold onto negative criticism is natural for most people. According to research by Roy Baumeister and colleagues, we remember negative emotions far more strongly than positive ones. Their work demonstrates that we are more likely to remember criticism than praise, and that it takes roughly five positive experiences to offset one negative one. That is certainly my experience.

I am convinced that to one degree or another we are fundamentally insecure and beset with pride. Insecurity and pride inevitably cause us to fixate on whatever threatens either — which criticism always does. As James Clear puts it: “It’s easier to complain about the outside critics, but the biggest critic in your life usually lives between your own two ears.”

Relax. Admit that you are not perfect, nor is your school. Swallow your pride and seek to learn from the criticism. There may be boulders or grains of truth in the most searing criticism that can profit you and your school. You may have to pry open the oyster, but the pearl of truth and wisdom is probably there.

Solomon’s advice? Do not be foolish. His bluntness makes me chuckle: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid” (Proverbs 12:1).

He also offers the following sage counsel:

Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is honored (Proverbs 13:18).

A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent (Proverbs 15:5).

The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise (Proverbs 15:31).

Another way of thinking about this is to reflect on Stephen Covey’s advice to “seek first to understand and then to be understood” — a paraphrase of James’s command: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Our natural tendency when criticized is to defend ourselves and our schools, or to deflect criticism by minimizing it or blaming others or circumstances. Self-justification and deflection are as old as Adam and Eve. However, if we are to allow reproof to make us honored, prudent, and wise, we must listen to it — which means closing our mouths and quieting our minds to genuinely hear our critic. He may have something profitable to tell us.

Thin-skinned people are almost always in turmoil — external and internal. They simply cannot let something go. They feel compelled to react, or they collapse into self-pity or self-doubt, or both. Neither response is helpful. In fact, being thin-skinned only invites more criticism — of our reaction to criticism. It is a vicious cycle.

Do not take it personally — even if it was a personal attack. Over the years I have learned to develop alligator skin while, by God’s grace, maintaining a tender heart. Nine times out of ten, the person sharing a concern is not attacking you — although it may feel that way. She is upset about a situation and is venting frustration. Learn to receive it without reacting. Develop empathy even when, in the final analysis, you disagree with the criticism. As you listen, remember Solomon’s wise counsel: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In short, respond — do not react.

Nurture and Practice Empathy

Maintaining a tender heart nurtures empathy — the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, to put ourselves in their shoes and consider things from their perspective. The benefits of practicing empathy are substantial. Those who cultivate it tend to treat others the way those others actually wish to be treated. They better understand the unspoken needs and perceptions of the people around them. They navigate interpersonal conflict more effectively, motivate others more naturally, and communicate more persuasively. They are better able to anticipate how others will respond, and they find it easier to deal with negativity when they understand what drives it. In short, the leader who practices empathy becomes a better leader, a better colleague, and a better friend.

Focus on the Road, Not the Wall

James Clear offers this advice:

During an interview with SUCCESS magazine, Mario Andretti was asked for his number one tip for success in race car driving. He said, “Don’t look at the wall. Your car goes where your eyes go.” If you look at the wall, then you’ll end up hitting it.

The same could be said about dealing with critics. Criticism and negativity from other people is like a wall. If you focus on it, you will get blocked by negative emotions, anger, and self-doubt. Your mind will go where your attention is focused. When someone delivers a negative comment, use it as a signal to recommit to your work and refocus on the road ahead.

While we should listen empathetically to criticism, we should not become fixated on it. Glean what you can, fix what you should, and then move on. Focusing on the criticism or the critic will only cause you to hit the wall — which is bad for you, for the critic, and for your school.

All honeymoons must come to an end. Relish the honeymoon of the new school year, but prepare for criticism and critics. If you do, you will have a better year and substantially less stress.